Very few relationships
start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning,
"the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult
to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you
and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about
the other as much as possible without seeming like a police
Romantic relationships can
be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong
individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social
damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can
damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel
about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed
to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into
the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There
are a variety of "bad choices" that may be encountered
each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We
all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not
select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are
better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities.
In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging
individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly
found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The
"The Loser" is a
type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological
damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent
personality characteristics that create this damage. These are
characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and
not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they
have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something
they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists
usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men
who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence
and self-esteem totally destroyed.
The following list is an attempt
to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide
a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging
relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally
or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these
features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of
these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser"
in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage
to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's
not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by
"The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.
1. Rough Treatment "The
Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists
your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your
personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin
with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female
losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when
2. Quick Attachment and Expression
"The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections
with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The
Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You"
or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a
few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their
life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry
you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered
with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon
phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they
are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business
saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good
to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of
instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for
the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make
sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to
develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy
individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering
a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated
with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and
have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is
always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The
Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The
Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in
less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
3. Frightening Temper "The
Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because
they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or
threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction.
In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed
violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry
outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their
life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things,
yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking
things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential
for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you
that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first,
you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility
and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that
they have that ability and capability - and that it might come
your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing
that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence
"The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly
correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard",
unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always
doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too
unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual
chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to
later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public,
you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing
you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper
outburst or verbal argument.
5. Cutting Off Your Support
In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their
supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser"
feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative
opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by
telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you,
and don't understand the special nature of the love you share
with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex
friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass
at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser"
will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations.
Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation,
and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to
talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and
family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser"
then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be
better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated
and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle
"The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again.
The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean.
You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something
minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those
little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping
each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose
of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very
nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping
away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser"
often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already
done - exactly as planned.
7. It's Always Your Fault
"The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any
other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell
at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you
publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late
for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles
per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the
evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior
would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake,
had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The
Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility
for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If
they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off
the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other
driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed
lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling,
assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or
physical display of aggression.
8. Breakup Panic "The
Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally
their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends
often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change,
and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the
relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide,
threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're
gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as
though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The
Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway
measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"
They shower you with phone
calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an
agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some
call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else
they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell
you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much
social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship
rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying
to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his
or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they
don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper
or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day,
or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding
ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant
(female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction
is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional
prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction
if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they
later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence
of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps
the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher
fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape
will be three times as difficult the next time.
9. No Outside Interests "The
Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests,
and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity,
they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable
during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent
you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally
10. Paranoid Control "The
Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are
and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite
sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If
you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were,
what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice
the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places,
and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you,
and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later
ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie.
In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your
purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or
search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may
encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from
their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later
reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen
to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell
you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances,
go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If
no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will
inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That
effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal
abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for
the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what
they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior
from a distance or a local bar.
11. Public Embarrassment In
an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The
Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel
or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people.
When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express
may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later.
If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find
yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their
arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your
head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and
create an angry reaction in "The Loser".
12. It's Never Enough "The
Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough.
You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close
enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices,
and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This
is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence.
After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky
you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate
and worthless as you.
13. Entitlement "The
Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude
that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire.
If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the
right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and
endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum.
Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against
you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of
their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any
manner they see fit.
14. Your Friends and Family
Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family
will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will
notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will
protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous
of the "special love" you have and then use their protest
and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not
him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark
an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation
where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own
family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened
by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases,
your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit
15. Bad Stories People often
let you know about their personality by the stories they tell
about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough
rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs
us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting,
and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will
tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories
of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting
others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in
every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite
how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their
temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with
violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing
from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their
stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and
legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will
eventually be treated and what's coming your way.
16. The Waitress Test It's
been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress
or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will
treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase"
of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However,
during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he
or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks,
or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are
cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over.
If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll
treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent,
they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you
find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other
females like dirt - hit the road.
17. The Reputation As mentioned,
mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality
and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct
reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing
reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble.
If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful
and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's
some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may
actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker",
"womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy".
They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy
or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention
to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's
behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your
risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon
is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The
Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances.
Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships
with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking
the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate
the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells As
a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will
gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums,
lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats
directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation
with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character.
You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells"
in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention
that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or
criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing
the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge,
tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll
have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll
have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more
comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly
what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their
control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions
"The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping
that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless.
As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you
are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that
your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and
that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things.
"The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your
feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare
question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile
toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their
behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You "Crazy"
"The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you
find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense.
If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you
call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage
for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family
and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn
family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations
in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and
not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid
as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males
find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent
females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no
longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and
physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While
we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember
that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in
a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return
to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent
psychological damage is done.
Versions of "The Loser"
There are more severe if not dangerous versions of "The Loser"
that have been identified over the years. If you are involved
in a relationship with one of these versions, you may require
professional and legal assistance to save yourself.
Physical Abuser Physical abusers
begin the relationship with physical moving - shoving, pushing,
forcing, etc. That quickly moves into verbal threats with physical
gestures - the finger in the face, clinched fist in the face,
and voiced physical threats such as "You make me want to
break your face!" Eventually, these combine to form actual
physical abuse - hitting, slapping, and kicking. "The Loser"
is always sorry the next day and begins the mean-then-sweet cycle
all over again. Getting away from physical abusers often requires
the assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse
agencies. Female losers often physically attack their partner,
break car windows, or behave with such violence that the male
partner is forced to physically protect himself from the assault.
If the female loser is bruised in the process of self-protection,
as when physically restraining her from hitting, those bruises
are then "displayed" to others as evidence of what a
bad person the partner is and how abusive they have been in the
Psychotic Losers There are
losers that are severely ill in a psychiatric sense - the movie
description of the "Fatal Attraction". Some may tell
you wild stories and try to convince you that they are connected
to The Mob or a government agency (CIA, FBI, etc.). They may fake
terminal illness, pregnancy, or disease. They intimidate and frighten
you with comments such as "I can have anyone killed..."
or "No one leaves a relationship with me...". If you
try to end the relationship, they react violently and give you
the impression that you, your friends, or your family are in serious
danger. People often then remain in the abusive and controlling
relationship due to fear of harm to their family or their reputation.
While such fears are unrealistic as "The Loser" is only
interested in controlling you, those fears feel very real when
combined with the other characteristics of "The Loser".
Psychotic or psychiatrically
ill losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you. They may threaten
physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or themselves
if you leave them. If you try to date others, they may follow
you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected
to phone harassment, vandalism, threats, and even physical assaults.
If you are recently divorced, separated, or recently ended another
relationship, "The Loser" may be intimidating toward
your ex-partner, fearing you might return if the other partner
is not "scared off". Just remember - everything "The
Loser" has ever done to anyone will be coming your way. "The
Loser" may send you pictures of you, your children, or your
family - pictures they have taken secretly - hinting that they
can "reach out and touch" those you love. You may need
help and legal action to separate from these individuals.
Guidelines for Detachment
Separating from "The Loser" often involves three stages:
The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.
During this part of separating from "The Loser", you
recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals
fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because
they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning,
and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has
isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or
has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During
the detachment phase you should...
- Observe the way you are
treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The
- Gradually become more boring,
talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost
to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment,
at the same time not creating a situation which would make you
- Quietly contact your family
and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place
to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
- If you fear violence or
abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a
- If "The Loser"
is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together,
or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases,
you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small
price to pay to get rid of "The Loser".
- Stop arguing, debating or
discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding
with comments such as "I've been so confused lately"
or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything
- Begin dropping hints that
you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general.
Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for
what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel
better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on
you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused"
and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My
girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell
others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them
to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the
process of detaching.
- Don't start another relationship.
That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger.
Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember,
"The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become
instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die
- As "The Loser"
starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion,
depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions.
This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.
Ending the Relationship
Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility,
responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment
reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as
- Explain that you are emotionally
numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody
and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit.
Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and
that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever
is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have
to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point
in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on
you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they
will depart faster.
- If "The Loser"
panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes
on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring
thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
- Focus on your need for time
away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations
that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once
a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together,
etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they
feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
- "The Loser" will
focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll
hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how
much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear
about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them
an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending
- Don't try to make them understand
how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is
concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You
will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they
will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more
guilty and manipulate you.
- Don't fall for sudden changes
in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this
time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally
and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time,
they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is
- Seek professional counseling
for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will
need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser"
finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling,
the therapist, or the effort.
- Don't use terms like "someday",
"maybe", or "in the future". When "The
Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening
and will increase their pressure.
- Imagine a dead slot machine.
If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten
times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However,
if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we
keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way.
If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the
relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility
or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the
pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say
the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine
that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.
"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement
in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological
standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this
manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As
they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual
with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the
girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their
partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they
might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry
about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser"
rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact
with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During
the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:
- Never change your original
position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes
in your position in the future. You might think that will calm
"The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities
still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return
to the relationship.
- Don't agree to meetings
or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing
old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and
use the guilt to hook you again.
- Don't offer details about
your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life
and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.
- If you start feeling guilty
during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return
to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything
else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them,
you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying
to make you feel guilty.
- In any contact with the
ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like
you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still
working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about
- When "The Loser"
tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some
general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person
is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your
relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking
up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure
we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us."
Remember - nothing personal!
- Keep all contact short and
sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser"
is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something
in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your
home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same
tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked
to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies
make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell,
an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little
device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just
came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do
to keep the conversation short - and not personal.
In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety
of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy
to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and
security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due
to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental
health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment
of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond
treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice,
treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude
and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed
and identified in the hopes of providing early identification
and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern
is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation.
Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result
in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts,
paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence.
If you have been involved
in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after
you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained
some psychological damage that will require professional repair.
In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have
a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your
self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite
sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers,
and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide
you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The
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